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CLIENTS page
CLIENTS page
Children's science exam answers! These are actual answers from science papers.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves
and makes them perspire.
and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section?
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
The clever accountant, the not so clever solicitor and the dumb banker.......
An accountant, banker and solicitor were called in to see a millionaire client.
"I am dying and I want to take it all with me" he said.
You will each take one of these envelopes containing £1m cash in notes and put it in my coffin just before they screw down the lid. They all agreed to comply.
The client died and at the funeral they all put their envelopes in the coffin and the man was duly buried.
At the wake in the pub the three found themselves in a corner. The banker said "As we're on our own I have a confession to make. Old Barard was a skinflint who never said thank you for all I did for him so before I put the envelope in I took out £10,000. "I'm glad you said that "said the solicitor, " I agree he was a mean old **** and I took £20,000 out to cover my pain and under recoveries on scale"
An accountant, banker and solicitor were called in to see a millionaire client.
"I am dying and I want to take it all with me" he said.
You will each take one of these envelopes containing £1m cash in notes and put it in my coffin just before they screw down the lid. They all agreed to comply.
The client died and at the funeral they all put their envelopes in the coffin and the man was duly buried.
At the wake in the pub the three found themselves in a corner. The banker said "As we're on our own I have a confession to make. Old Barard was a skinflint who never said thank you for all I did for him so before I put the envelope in I took out £10,000. "I'm glad you said that "said the solicitor, " I agree he was a mean old **** and I took £20,000 out to cover my pain and under recoveries on scale"
They looked at the accountant who smiled and said "I am surprised at you both - I put a cheque in for the full amount."
One-liners!!
Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail. Except for (some) MP’s!!
Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail. Except for (some) MP’s!!
Q. What's the definition of an accountant?
A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Q. What's an extroverted accountant?
A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
Q. What's an auditor?
A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A. Depreciation.
A. Depreciation.
Q. Client to accountant - What is 2+2?
A. Rogue accountant 1- ‘what would you like it to be?’
A. Rogue accountant 2 - ‘5.’
A. Uninspiring accountant - ‘4.’
A. Rogue accountant 1- ‘what would you like it to be?’
A. Rogue accountant 2 - ‘5.’
A. Uninspiring accountant - ‘4.’
A. Creative accountant - ‘it depends.......!’
Q: What is a Budget?
A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.
Q. How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?
A. When he actually listens to Marketing before saying no.
A. When he actually listens to Marketing before saying no.
JOKES
Laughter is the best medicine, so get your endorphins working. But first, some words of wisdom.......
What's the difference between an optimist, a pessimist, and an accountant?
To the
optimist, the glass of water is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass of water is
half empty.
To the accountant, the glass of water is twice as big as it needs to be!